do you remember when these songs meant more to you than the wandering thoughts of possible colleges and jobs and boy”friends” to kiss/touch and places to live away from home and the fear of being old and alone and not being able to do things for yourself, remember when you listened to those words being sung with such young and new ears, so curious about the world and life, and back then every night you went to sleep thinking you had a beautiful epiphany that day, and you did oh you did but they run out, they ran out, there’s nothing left, it’s all dry now, you’re listening to this music still but you’re either bitter or worrying and it doesn’t sound right anymore, it’s not the same, you’re rarely even sad these days, that emotion is too nice for you, sad has the potential to be so comforting, sad could bring you so many words to spill, but no it’s just mad and anxious these days, mad and anxious, mad and anxious, either that or dull and basically numb, and you hate that, and you blame it all on the season or whatever dumb reason you can find to give yourself a bit of hope that it isn’t you, it’s too cold you say, can’t go outside to enjoy life, can’t enjoy life, but you just can’t enjoy anything, so what’s left now, is this a spell, will i rediscover this music again some day far from this one and listen with new ears again, will there be more epiphanies, will there be a day you know how to spell the word epiphanies without looking it up online, does your family ever stop being so loud and dysfunctional, do you pour your soul to her like you used to, does it matter, does she matter, does it ever make sense, does the senselessness ever even make sense again, do you ever find out how to express your emotions fast and beautifully without separating every god damn thought with a comma, does she figure out how to stop screaming and start sharing her negative emotions with words instead, do you sing do you sing do you sing, you should sing you should you should sing, but right now everything is bitter and anxious, and all you wanted a few hours ago was to go back to that night in the car for the worst reasons ever, or maybe that one night at the fair, you were out of your mind that night and when you came home it didn’t fucking matter if you could word how you felt in a way that would lure other people into reading it and thinking “wow this girl has a way with words, what a poet” because you were a poet in your mind and that was all that mattered and everything was perfectly flawed and wonderful and beautiful and new and every day you had an epiphany.
my body wants to write that i am tired. i paused from typing for a brief moment and thought “well what do i say now?” “i am tired.” that was the first thing that came to mind and yet i’m not even tired. i slept late, didn’t do anything today, i could stay up all night but i have school in the morning, i’m back to the terrible comma placement again, oh well, i’m tired of something, that’s for sure, i’m tired of this feeling but i can’t correctly place a name to this feeling, i’d say shut up to myself because it’ll be better by the morning or by the next week or even the next month but this time i don’t think that’s true, i’m sorry, last night i had a dream that that she was ill, and i was screaming, all i remember was screaming, constant screaming, such agony, such dread, everything wrong in the world, before that i dreamt a stranger kissed me, his lips were too thin and his tongue was more like a snake tongue than a human tongue and i kept comparing his mouth to yours the whole time and thinking gross, gross, gross, this is so gross, his cheek was pressed against mine and i knew it was going to happen and i didn’t want it to happen but it did anyway, i backed away once it did though, he followed me around, i have no idea who he was, last time i dreamt of kissing somebody it actually happened, i hope this one doesn’t happen, i never really dream of kissing people other than this, when i woke up i told somebody I JUST HAD THE WORST DREAMS via text message, they didn’t respond, i don’t mind, i like people who don’t respond right away, i like people who don’t expect a response right away if at all, i like people who give people space, i give people space, maybe that is why i am so alone, maybe that is why i am so lonely, everyone comes to me first, i don’t feel like talking to anyone who doesn’t know me enough to know that i hate the question “so how have you been?” that narrows down the list quite a lot, let’s hope i snap out of this, let’s hope i can listen to this music and feel right again, go away bitterness and anxiety, go away, this is not an epiphany, though i can now spell that word with ease after typing it so many times, at least that’s something, learn something new every day
e p i p h a n y